How to flirt with women: 2 core concepts you must understand

by | Dating

Do you know that flirting with beautiful women is a skill and that you can get a lot better at it?

I was surprised to find out that this is the truth.

I never considered it as a real possibility when I was younger.

Are you a little skeptical about it being a skill you can learn?

Do you think it will not work for you?

Although I was skeptical at first, I put in the work and made massive improvements in my own dating life.

Along the way I learned a lot about myself and social interactions. The insights and learning experiences blow my mind to this day.

One mayor insight was that getting better with flirting goes much deeper than knowing what to say or do.

When you don’t know what to say or do, that’s often a symptom of deeper issues.

Pick-up lines and techniques won’t make a difference because they don’t solve the deeper issues.

Real improvements come from changes in mindset or how you feel about yourself.

In this article I will present 2 core concepts that will give you real improvements.

They are vital to know when you want to meet and attract more awesome women.

That’s because they solve certain problems at their core. If you solve problems at the core, the symptoms will also disappear. 

To make these core concepts easy to apply, I will provide a list of practical tips on how to implement them. 

Apply these tips the next time you are talking to that cute brunette at the bar. 

Believe me, they will make a big difference.

Core concept 1: Be present to never run out of things to say

A main issue guys have when they talk to women is that they shut down and don’t know what to talk about.

Since the problem is not knowing what to say, would 10 perfect opening lines help?

And would 8 good stories and 5 topics girls love to talk about fix it even more?

I’m afraid it will make little difference. With millions of possible social situations, they would be useless in most.

There’s no one size fits all approach.

Since they will help in certain situations, I encourage you to learn a few crutches. The next level is to focus your attention on your surroundings so you can respond to that.

If guys can’t think of things to say, the main problem is that they lack presence. Therefore they fail to see what their world and the girl they are talking to are giving them to talk about.

There are millions of things to talk about, but they fail to see them because they are stuck in their heads.

Next time you’re in a club and want to talk to a girl notice that this particular girl:

  • Is with a group of friends and there are only girls
  • She is having a break from dancing like crazy for the last 15 minutes
  • The top she is wearing is blue and a part of her heels somehow magically match the exact blue colour of her top
  • She has black hair with blue eyes and from the looks of it she’s from eastern Europe
  • Her and her friend are both wearing red lipstick while you’re wearing red pants 
  • Those high heels look uncomfortable but they do look sexy

Then also try to notice the world you’re in:

  • You’re at a party and it’s new year’s eve (perfect opening line: happy new year!)
  • One of your friends is already talking to one of her friends
  • You just came back from looking at the fireworks and it was awesome
  • A few minutes ago you were talking with a friend about new year’s resolutions
  • For some reason you think that this is the best NYE party you have ever been to
  • You feel excited about what you’re going to do in 2015

And this is only what you can notice before talking to her because when you start talking to her you notice:

  • She smiles when you start talking to her
  • She tells you she’s actually from Canada, but how come she look like a girl from eastern Europe?
  • The way she responds is a little shy compared to the other girls you have been talking to earlier
  • Her friend who also has red colored lipstick tries to drag her away
  • When you talk a little more you notice that your legs are getting tired so you want to sit down
  • For some reason she keeps touching her hair while you are talking

Get my point? In every situation there are things like this that you can notice, yet can easily fail to see. It’s easy to ask questions or make statement when you notice everything around you.

When you train your awareness, you’ll have millions of things to talk about.

2 ways to improve your presence

But how do you exactly build your presence so you can notice things around when you’re meeting girls?

The answer to that is simple: practice being present in other less challenging situations.

Then you introduce being more present into your nights out meeting your future girlfriend. Here are two exercises you can use:

1: Learn about and practice mindfulness meditation

The nr. 1 way to improve your presence is mindfulness meditation. This Buddhist practice will calm your mind and help you direct your focus.

While there are many different kinds of meditation that you can do, I will teach you a body meditation.

This is what you do: find a comfortable chair, set a timer for 15 minutes and focus your attention on your body. Try to scan your body for tension and release it.

When your mind wanders, bring your attention back to your body and the present moment.

After you read this article, make sure to read more about why meditation is powerful. It’s essential to practice meditation if you want to develop more presence.

2: The what-can-I-notice exercise

After you meditate a few times, you will become more present. You then incorporate this presence when meeting girls.

To do this go to a place with lots of people where you want to meet girls. Then find a spot where you can sit down and observe the present moment in front of you.

What do you see?

What kind of people are around you?

What can you notice about the girls?

What kind of energy do they have?

How does the environment you’re in feel?

How does everything around you make you feel?

The trick is that you make the external environment your object of meditation. When your mind wanders bring it back to everything in front of you and observe.

While you’re doing this exercise, it will surprise you how much you will notice. A lot of these details will normally go unnoticed.

When you have done this for 5 to 10 minutes, start talking to girls. While you talk to the girls, try to keep using the same eye for detail.

If you follow these exercises, you will train yourself to be present in the moment. Therefore you will notice more about the world and the girls you talk to.

You also become more at ease in the environment because these exercises calm your mind.

When you combine intense presence with a calm mind, you’ll never run out of things to say!

Core concept 2: Free self expression is key

Just noticing isn’t enough. The next step is getting to a point where you talk about and act on what you notice.

You want to get into a vibe where you’re not thinking about what you’re saying or doing. You just say things or do something.

I call this vibe “free self expression” and it’s the ultimate vibe when meeting girls.

Free self expression is powerful because it comes from within you and you can control it.

If you can express who you are, it means you’re carefree of what other people think.

This makes you more fun to be around. Especially, compared to a guy who is insecure and cares a lot about what other people think of him.

A big reason why guys lack free self expression is that they overthink what to do in a social situation. They also focus too much on reasons why not to start a conversation or possible negative outcomes.

Common interpretations when trying to start a conversation could be:

  • Those two girls look like they’re dancing together so let’s not interrupt them
  • Those girls are beautiful and look bitchy so they might be unfriendly to me
  • That blonde girl also has some guys in the group and one of them might be her bad ass kickboxer boyfriend

Even though these interpretations can be right, you can’t know without taking action. A lot of assumptions that guys make aren’t true, yet it’s their reality in the moment.

They then conclude that the social situation isn’t good for taking action. Since their mind only sees obstacles, they get stuck inside their head.

This makes them see more obstacles instead of opportunities.

You should try to notice things around you, but don’t be too analytical about what can happen when you do act on them.

Just do and get in the moment. If you do this, the situations could easily turn out like this:

  • When you start talking to the girls, you just start dancing with both of them and have a lot of fun.
  • The two bitchy looking girls turn out to be bitchy but you feel good because you took action. Now warmed up, you talk the another girl who you end up spending the whole night with.
  • You walk to the girl surrounded by guys, to find out these guys around her are the coolest guys you have ever met. You end up talking to them instead of the girl and later when you start talking to her you find out she’s single.

The main point is that you have to get the ball rolling and act without overthinking what you do. It’s all about being a guy who is open and comfortable expressing himself and inviting girls to do the same.

Expressing yourself can mean connecting by being playful or challenging her by being cocky. It can also mean being sexual or sharing deeper life stories.

That’s totally up to you!

6 ways to improve your self-expression

So how do you build up a vibe where you can freely express yourself and effortlessly interact with girls?

If you want to be able to express the full spectrum of your personality, here are 6 ways you can build up your free self expression:

1: Work on the core

While there are a few quick fixes, the most important is working on yourself and your life. Try to develop your confidence and self love because it will translate to being more carefree. It will make a big difference.

A good start is to look at the big three—health, career and social life—to find out where you want to improve. The long term side-effect of working on the big three is more general confidence.

More general confidence translates into a carefree attitude to express yourself towards other people.

2: Create focus on opportunities by taking action

When you’re focused on obstacles, you can make misguided assumptions about social situations. Be conscious of moments where you do this.

If you want to see more opportunities, start taking action to reveal the opportunities.

Don’t wait for the perfect moment but create it.

3: Step into the fire exercise

One of the best ways to open yourself is to accept any feelings you have in a social situation. It’s fine to feel nervousness or to be stuck in your head.

If you don’t judge negative feelings, they will lose their power.

First focus your attention on your body and feel the feelings you have. You then commit to feeling any nervousness or feelings while start talking to girls.

You step into the fire and feel it burn.

The point is that you don’t have to be more than you’re in this moment because you are enough. You don’t have to feel, be or behave different than you currently are.

If you do this for about 20 to 30 minutes, you’re in free self expression and you will have a blast!

4: The eternal warm up

View your life as an eternal warm up and be an open person during everyday life. The eternal warm up is about trying to make contact with as many people as possible.

Being open is like a muscle that you need to train—use it a lot and make it strong. Things you can try to do are:

  • Tell that funny story to a coworker you normally don’t talk to
  • Share that personal secret with someone you just met.
  • Flirt with girls at other places than in a bar.

5: Natural free self expression

Get into free self expression by going out with friends and joke around, tell stories and dance. This way you build up positive emotions and get into social mode naturally.

When you want to start meeting girls, you can pull them into your fun. It’s fun and easy!

6: Make small actions of contact

You can get into free self expression by making small actions of contact. Important to realize is that these actions can be verbal and nonverbal. They’re about making a small contact moment.

A few examples of small actions of contact are:

  • Give someone a cheers with your glass
  • Give a high five to a girl walking by
  • Say hello to the bouncer
  • Ask the extra question to the bartender

These small actions require little effort and make you used to making contact. They work like a charm.

Want to learn more?

Ultimately, getting better with girls is about a process of personal growth. It’s not about learning magical pick up lines.

You need to step up, deal with rejection and become a better man. Eventually, you will get to a place where you’re naturally confident.

Want to learn more about how to meet and attract women? Download our e-book below for free.

Thomas Murray

Thomas is the co-founder of DateGrowth and he creates content about dating, health and personal effectiveness. In his content he likes to combine psychology and spirituality. He is a digital nomad, morning meditator, green tea addict and an internet entrepreneur. His main goal is to provide you with personal development advice that actually works.

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