How to understand women and what they want from men

by | Dating

Admit it.

Women frustrate you sometimes.

You can’t make sense of their actions.

One moment a girl is all over you flirting like crazy.

The next moment she’s unreceptive and off dancing with her friends.

What changed?

One moment a woman does something, and the next moment she does the complete opposite.

It seems impossible to understand women.

But is it really?

I used to think so. These beautiful creatures with their shiny nails and long hair were a mystery to me.

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t figure out what made them tick.

To understand women is essential when you’re looking to go out and connect with them.

Knowing what drives a woman and what she desires from a man can save you a lot of frustration.

In this article, I’ll try to do the impossible…

I’ll explain how to understand women and what they want from men.


First, let me start off by saying that all women are different.

You’re dealing with human beings who all have different personalities and lives. It’s impossible to make generalizations that apply to everyone a hundred percent of the time.

That said, I do believe that there exists both feminine and masculine energy.

These two polarities exist in every human being. In general, women are more feminine and men more masculine.

But everyone has both polarities in different degrees and at different times.

In this article, I try to bring more understanding to women who have a default feminine essence.

You could say that I’m talking about feminine energy, but for convenience I’ll just use the term women in this article.

The same goes for when I talk about men. When I mention men, I’m talking about men with a default masculine essence.

Keep this in mind when you’re reading the rest of this article.

Why we don’t understand women

Why is it that we have such a hard time understanding women?

The answer to this is pretty simple.

We think women use their mind the same way as we do.

When we look at a woman, we think she says what she means and that she won’t change her mind.

But in reality, her mind changes like the weather.

As men, we analyze most of our decisions using our logical mind. Women differ from this and base their decisions largely on how they feel in the present moment.

This fundamental difference is why we often think that women don’t make sense. It can even seem as if they’re lying when they suddenly change their mind.

The truth is that this change in a woman is often just the difference in how she feels. She isn’t lying to you; her truth is just based more on her feelings.

Because feelings are fluid, they’re in constant movement. This is why women can often seem unstable to us men.

It’s not that women are unstable; they are just riding the waves of their feelings.

As men, we have the tendency to analyze everything, including women. But analyzing women can be a losing battle.

This is because we’re trying to understand feeling-driven behavior using our logical minds.

How a woman behaves is often just a reflection of how she feels. You can try to explain her behavior with logic, but that’s like trying to explain music with words.

You can try, but you’ll never fully succeed.

How to understand women

So am I saying that we’ll never be able to understand women?


I’m saying that we should stop trying to analyze them all the time.

To understand women, we need to accept that they are different from us. Getting mad because they don’t make sense is pointless. It’s like getting mad at the sky because it started raining.

The nature of the feminine essence is fluid. When you learn to accept this, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and frustration.

Acceptance of the feminine will bring more harmony to your relationships with women. It will empower you as a man and set you apart from the majority of men out there.

In order to understand women, a mindset shift is required. Instead of trying to analyze how a woman thinks, you should focus on how she feels.

This doesn’t mean you should start to over-analyze her feelings. Sometimes a woman just feels the way she feels for no particular reason, and that’s okay.

You’ll understand women a lot more, once you start to tune in to their feelings.

The primary need of a woman

So how does a woman want to feel?

One of the primary needs of women is to feel secure.

This security can best be described as feeling certain that everything is going to be okay.

In a sense, we as men need exactly the same thing. But we get this feeling from different things.

Making decisions, reaching conclusions, taking action, and getting the job done, makes us feel secure.

Women differ from this. They get their feeling of security from the communication of others and their environment.

You can see this difference in the way men and women communicate. As men, we’re always trying to communicate a point and find a conclusion in a conversation.

Women are more fluid and aren’t that interested in reaching a conclusion. They communicate to bond and form a connection with the other person.

To them, the bonding is more important than the actual content of the conversation.

If a woman experiences the right types of emotions through communication, she feels safe.

The difference in attraction

Another big difference between men and women is the way attraction works for them.

When you ask a man what his ideal woman looks like, he’ll often list physical characteristics like a nice face, ass, and tits.

Yet when you ask a woman, she’ll often list behavioral traits like confidence, charisma, and ambition.

As men, our attraction to women is primarily based on physical appearance. You could compare it to a light-switch that can be turned on by certain physical cues.

Women are primarily attracted to behavior. You could compare their attraction to a volume knob that gradually changes based on behavioral cues.

It’s not that looks can’t play a factor in the attraction a woman feels for a man, but it will often come secondary.

Society and Hollywood have brainwashed us regarding the foundation of female attraction. They have led us to believe that women are primarily attracted to money and looks.

This is an illusion.

Your looks and money aren’t all that important. What’s important, are the things you communicate to her on a physical, verbal, and energetical level.

This comes down to the qualities she sees in your personality and how she feels when you’re around.

What attracts women

So what does a woman want from a man?

A woman wants a man who can give her that feeling of security. She wants you to give her the feeling that everything is taken care of.

When a woman feels this security, she doesn’t need to take control herself and she can just be free. Not that she can’t take control, but she just likes to feel like she doesn’t have to.

This is why women are attracted to social status.

When a man projects social status, he displays the characteristics of a successful person who can provide a woman with a sense of security. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he has to be successful.

Social status can be measured by the way you behave around other people, how other people behave around you, and how you treat yourself.

When you score high on these factors, you’ll be perceived as an attractive man.

Think about the rock stars with the thousands of screaming women around them. These men have a high social status.

It’s not the looks or money that make these men so desirable. The amount of fame and other people reacting to them boosts their social status through the roof.

And that’s an attractive trait that makes a woman feel safe.

Women crave something more..

But that isn’t the only thing women want from men.

Besides security, women also crave excitement. They want to experience a full range of emotions.

Women love living in the excitement of not knowing what is about to happen next. They look for a man who is unpredictable and can give them a variety of emotions.

Maybe you think this is a contradiction to feeling safe, but it isn’t.

Women want to experience all this excitement and still be certain that everything will be okay in the end.

You could compare it to a Hollywood action movie with the certainty of a happy ending. Or a rollercoaster ride in an amusement park that’s certain to bring you back safely.

What stimulates her emotions

A lot of studies have been done on female attraction. The research shows that women have a deep desire to be desired.

This desire speaks to a woman’s sexual arousal. It’s activated when she feels overwhelmingly desired, not rationally considered.

Women love the idea of men lusting for them, sometimes to the point where the man loses control.

This is why some women have rape fantasies. These fantasies make them feel as if they are submitting to a man’s powerful desire for them.

Of course this doesn’t mean that they actually want to be raped. It just signifies their biological urge to be desired to the extreme.

Although women desire to be desired, they also want this desire from a man who is desirable himself. Since this desirable man will give her the security she needs.

A desirable man has high standards and his own boundaries. He’s not someone who just wants any woman who happens to be attractive.

This is where the excitement and emotional stimulation kick in. The uncertainty about what will happen next and the chase for his desire is what’s exciting for a woman.

She likes to chase him if she feels that he’s worth it.

An attractive man knows how to stimulate her emotions by expressing himself. He’s unafraid to be vulnerable and express his desire for her.

Yet, at the same time he also sometimes playfully teases her.

This interplay between expressing his desire and teasing her can spike a variety of emotions.

It creates a ‘push-pull’ dynamic that provides a woman with the excitement she craves.

The biggest attraction killer

There is another big component to a woman’s attraction.

This component is the level of investment.

So what does that mean?

I would define investment as the degree to which you change or sacrifice your thoughts, feelings, and actions for another person.

For a woman to be attracted to you, your investment in her should be lower than her investment in you.

Women don’t desire a man who changes his own thoughts, feelings, and actions more for her than she’s prepared to do for him.

This is because women want a guy who can give them that secure feeling. When a man invests more in his woman than in himself, he becomes dependent on her.

A man who is dependent on a woman can’t give her the security she desires.

Women can sense a man who over-invests from a mile away. Over-investing behavior comes off as needy.

Neediness is the biggest attraction killer out there. It shows that you don’t have a strong sense of self and that you need others to complete you.

When a needy guy talks to a woman, he needs her approval. He won’t be genuinely himself, but he’ll change himself to impress her.

A classic example of this is the nice guy who supplicates to women. He buys girls gifts and expensive dinners, only to get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night.

He behaves this way because he thinks this will get him the girl. But it often does the complete opposite.

Of course, you can buy something for a girl, but it’s all about the intention behind it.

If your intention is just to get something from her, you’re acting out of neediness.

When you’re non-needy, you give without wanting something in return. This makes all the difference and will often make a woman light up from joy.

I call this unconditional giving.

Unconditional giving tells her that you don’t need her approval and you don’t just care about having sex.

You give because you actually appreciate her and you’re fine if you don’t get anything in return.

Why your words don’t matter that much

So what can you do with all this information?

As we’ve discussed so far, it’s important to provide a woman with security and excitement.

You can try to do this by using rehearsed pick-up lines or sneaky tactics that you’ve read online.

But trust me, those won’t serve you in the long run.

Ultimately, how you’re being has a much bigger impact on a woman than the actual words you say.

By this I mean your feelings, your beliefs and the perspectives that are underlying your words.

Together these things create your tone of voice, posture, facial expressions and the energy you project.

They are the communication behind the words.

The actual words don’t matter that much when it comes to attracting a woman. She has a sixth sense that tells her more on how you’re being.

When you say something that’s not in alignment with how you’re being, she’ll often sense that something is off. She might not be able to put it into words, but she can feel it.

She won’t feel secure because you’re not being yourself. Somehow you feel the need to act differently around her.

You’re more invested in her than in yourself.

This comes off as needy and sub-communicates that you’re dependent on her. Because of this, she won’t feel safe with you.

How to avoid being that needy guy

So how do you avoid this?

The best thing you can do is to be your authentic self.

Authenticity is the alignment of your outsides with your insides. Your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions are all on the same track.

When you’re authentic, you don’t shy away from being vulnerable. This means you don’t try to cover up what you feel or think

Being vulnerable isn’t weakness, it’s actually a sign of strength. The fact that you’re willing to put your true personality on the line implies a huge amount of social status.

To a woman, it communicates that you’re not dependent on her approval. You’re fulfilled within yourself and you don’t need her to validate you.

It’s also important that you don’t start strategizing in your head on what to do.

When you’re trying to get a phone number, a date, or sex, you’re not really present with her.

Only when you’re present can you be truly authentic.

Being present communicates to a woman that you can relax and be yourself. When you’re not present, she’ll again sense something’s off.

Of course, you can set an intention to do something with her because you like her. Just try to set it and let go of how it’ll eventually come to pass.

Don’t think so many steps ahead and just enjoy the present moment.

The best practice for this is to focus on enjoying yourself and noticing her. Connect to the feelings in your body and let yourself be free in the moment.

Being able to freely express your personality in the present moment is key here. This means you’re unafraid to express yourself in both positive and negative ways.

You don’t shy away from expressing your desire for a woman. Yet, you also let her know when she crosses your personal boundaries.

When you’re authentic, you focus on enjoying yourself and giving unconditionally. This is in contrast to being inauthentic, when you focus on getting something from her.

The focus on your own enjoyment will automatically make you more playful. Flirting and teasing her will make your interactions much more fun.

All of this will help a woman to experience that full range of emotions. Being present and authentic will create both that security and excitement for her.

The biggest step you can take

This all sounds very cliché right..

“Just be yourself”.

But in reality, being yourself can be hard at times. We often lack self-love, which is why we chase the approval of others.

When you want someone’s approval, you stop being authentic. You start investing more in them than you do in yourself.

To avoid being that needy guy you’ll have to invest in yourself. This means cultivating your own internal sense of fulfillment.

The biggest step you can take towards this is to work on loving yourself (see previous article).

When you love yourself, you’re whole and you don’t need another person to complete you. You’re fulfilled within yourself and another person is simply a nice addition to your life.

How most relationships die

A big part of loving yourself as a man is to have a higher purpose in life. You can view this as having a primary goal in life that’s more important than anything else.

When a man doesn’t live according to his purpose, he doesn’t take the lead in his own life.

Women want a man that takes charge of his life and invites her along for the ride. When a man fails to take charge, she won’t feel secure. The less security a man can provide, the less attraction she’ll feel.

This is a phenomenon you often see happen in relationships. At first, the man is going places and is living a life of his own.

He isn’t over-invested in her and they have a healthy relationship. But over time he starts to lose focus and drifts away from his purpose.

In doing so, he starts investing more in his woman and makes his life revolve around her.

At first, she likes all the attention, but later she starts feeling less like a woman around him. They start having random fights about meaningless nonsense all the time.

Eventually, they stop having sex and their relationship turns into a life sucking routine. Sometimes this goes on for years and it usually ends dramatically.

What it all comes down to

All of this can also be explained from a spiritual perspective.

Not living your purpose as a man weakens your masculine energy. This causes an imbalance in the sexual energy of the relationship.

The woman will feel this and she’ll start acting more masculine herself to compensate for the loss.

Sexual attraction is based on the difference in polarity between the feminine and the masculine energies.

The masculine and feminine poles between people create a flow of sexual energy in motion. The less polarity there is, the less attraction there will be.

Everything I’ve discussed about female attraction comes down to this core principle.

Masculine energy is an active force and feminine energy is a passive one. This means that it’s attractive for a woman when a man is at the cause, not at the effect.

Examples of being at the cause are:

  • Investing more in yourself than in her
  • Expressing your authentic self freely
  • Being playful and teasing her
  • Taking charge of your life by living your purpose

When you’re at the cause, you’ll be able to provide a woman with the security and excitement she needs.

When you’re at the effect, you’ll force her to be at the cause and she won’t feel safe or excited.

I hope this article has brought you a better understanding of women and what they want from men.

Let me just stress that all human beings are different. I’ve just tried to shed some light on the beautiful feminine essence.

Let me know if you have any questions in the comments below.

And please share this article if you found it valuable.

Julian Strong

Julian is the co-founder of DateGrowth. His mission is to raise consciousness globally by spreading life-enhancing ideas. Julian is a society critic, freedom lover, modern hippie and obsessed truth seeker. His ideas are often about deprogramming yourself and getting in touch with your inner core. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter if you are unafraid of challenging your world view.

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